Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Life as an actress

Well, here I am. 25, single, living on my own, and chasing a dream. It's all very new, and definitely exciting as hell, but it can be very frustrating and scary too. I guess most people think that way about life. It'd be a lie to say that we are not afraid that our hopes and dreams will not work out. But it'd be even scarier to think that we didn't even try, right? I want to say something profound and thought provoking, but I'm just not clever enough to come up with it. I can only give my own life examples and hope that someone takes the time to read my bullshit.
So, here goes...
I've literally sat all day in front of my computer, looking up all types of roles to portray, and nothing seems to fit the bill - unless I were to show full nudity. And this bothers me. It literally bothers me to no end because I am so hungry for this.
Acting is the only thing that I've ever had a passion for. I enjoy it because I want people to feel as I feel when I watch movies. I get so caught up in the world, in the character's life that I lose all sense of myself. My heart pumps loudly; I take deep breaths; I even have this little tick where I place my right hand directly under my throat and on my chest, as though it will protect me from being so vulnerable to the character's emotions. I feel enthused, overwhelmed, inescapably desperate, adventurous and romantic, all within a two hour slot. And I love it because I love to feel alive. Movies, shows, they allow me to feel alive. When I perform, I forget who I am and it's acceptable to become someone else, no matter how kooky or strange that person may be. Everything interesting (or uninteresting in the world) comes to life and I feel... That's just it... I FEEL.
And I want to inspire others to do the same.
Usually, alone in my room, I'm just so numb. Perhaps it's because I feel so alone. I feel like my life, my breath is wasted. I'm uninteresting; I'm background.
But when I act, I have a part in someone's life, no matter how small. I'm there, I have a say, I have a presence. I'm dignified in a way where I'm seen not as a customer or an extra, but as a sole person with independent thoughts and actions. And, even better, I have the power to emotionally affect people.
When I first was granted that power on stage, it was otherworldly. It felt like I was living with purpose. When I was crying, they were crying, when I was smiling, they were smiling. It was beautiful.
The feeling of making people laugh in general felt amazing. The energy just lifts in the room and everyone is smiling. And there is nothing I love more than seeing people smile.
I've noticed that when I'm watching a movie or show I tend to look at whoever is with me, as though I'm gauging their reaction. I'm trying to determine what their thinking, how they are perceiving the show or plot twist. I'm genuinely interested in what is running through their mind.
It'd be shallow to say that I didn't enjoy the attention, but this type of art calls for an audience, just like a painting, dance routine or work of scripture.
One thing is for certain though, I can't wait to show the world what I have to offer. I just hope they like it.

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