Today couldn't have been better - except if I were being paid for it of course.
I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting a very knowledgeable and kind man who also happens to be a casting director for the last 30 years. We met over lunch at the Wooden Fork, a very country chic cafe' in Glendale that reminded me so much of home.
It turns out that this casting director and I shared a lot in common, including living in Northern California. It was refreshing speaking with him because he was completely honest with everything he said, and he shared a lot of insight about the industry from his own point of view. The lunch was an invaluable asset to helping me in my career. He even invited me to join him for a few free seminars so that I can learn everything I can on such a small budget.
He even gave me a book that he had in his car, "Think and Grow Rich," by Napoleon Hill. He said that though it was intended for salesmen, he believes it will help me acquire the following and wealth I'll need as an actress.
He's a realist, and mentioned that actors have the least amount of money but have to spend so much of it in order to get their resumes, head shots, and training. That's why he wanted to give back to the actors by having free sessions with other notable directors and writers. When I mentioned that it was tough having to film my own reels, including one I just did on Friday with Murphy, he even offered to direct me!
I really couldn't believe my luck. What a wonderful, genuine man. I wish I could say more about him, but I don't know how he'd feel knowing he was on my blog. All I can say is, I look forward to meeting him again and can't wait to learn more about the industry. I'm cracking open the book that he gave me right now.
On another note, I just found out that my talent agency that represents me commercially is interested in representing me theatrically because of a positive recommendation. I have to go in an do a few monologues to get them on board. Of course I'm nervous, but it's more of an anxious I-cant-wait-to-see-what-they-think type of nervousness. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
She shoots, she scores!
Hola,
Life's been a little great, a little messy and a little complicated lately. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Friday was definitely the most exciting day of the week. I had an interview to be a photo double for someone on a Disney Channel show. Talk about exciting!
I saw the notice on lacasting.com and I fit the requirements they were looking for (between 5' to 5'4", 34 inch waist, size 6-7 shoes), and hallelujah did I hit the jackpot. Extras! Management called me in for the interview within 20 minutes and I was set for Friday.
When I got to set, I realized that I had never been to this place before - and that's saying quite a bit. But I guess it makes sense since I never play a kid, and these shows were all for 18TLY background members, or so it seemed.
Once I parked and walked inside the studio, I saw a bunch of people in the audience stands that were regular background artists. They were taping a segment of the same show I applied for. Since I was early, I didn't know where to go. Luckily a stand-in named Danny was kind enough to help. He led me to the stands and I was signing in within the next 15 minutes.
We were told to wear athletic gear to show off our basketball skills for the scene, and I saw that I was the only girl dressed for the part. As the time drew nearer, a bunch of other girls started walking in, sometimes one or two at a time. My stomach started getting butterflies, but I couldn't stop smiling. I was so excited to play basketball on set.
They even had a fake half court gym for the show, and I imagined playing on it while everyone I knew back home would be watching from the comfort of their living room. It made me excited, but seeing those other girls, each beautiful and fit, vying for the same spot made me queasy. I love competition, but I hate the nature of the industry. It isn't always about skills, and sometimes it only relies on looks. I was nervous, but we all sat together and introduced ourselves and became friends.
They were nice girls, and I was happy to have met them. It made me realize that we are all in the same boat, and that we each have something to offer the industry.
After taping a few segments in the show's living room, they moved to the gym shots. We were all aching to show our stuff, I could tell. When they called us down I jumped off my seat as fast as I could, grabbed my bottled water and headed down to meet the director - a very tall man with blonde hair who had a tendency to lean over you.
He had two (very flat) balls which he threw to the first two girls in line. They dribbled as best they could. Once I saw them at it, I became very confident with my abilities. The next two girls were given a shot, then the next. I noticed that the girls didn't have their opposite hand protecting the ball as though a defender were on them, and they never looked up from their dribble. Once the director passed the ball to me, I got into a low stance and began to dribble while protecting the ball. I stared directly into his eyes as I dribbled and I could see him light up. He was impressed. He pointed to me and said, "Yes. Like that."
The next two girls were given a chance, each taking a note from my book, but they couldn't do it with the conviction that I had. I was so relieved as the balls went down the line. They could handle the ball, but they couldn't do it with the confidence that I had. I was surprised at my own ability considering the fact that it's been 6 or 7 years since I've even played the sport.
The director threw the ball to the front of the line and had us each take a fake jump shot.
Once it was my turn, I was too overzealous-I almost took out a stage light. But the form was perfect. I quickly bounded after the ball to avoid any calamity. The director laughed to another man, "Look at her, getting her own rebounds! She's a one man team."
I smiled as I tossed the ball back to him. The girls had their turn, then they made us dribble around him. I was so fast that he was laughing asking, "Where'd she go?"
He never made any sort of comments to the other girls, so I was happy that he was voicing himself around me. He sent everyone back except me to the stands. I was so nervous and excited. I thought the interview was over.
That is until he asked for the star of the show, Dove to come up to me. They wanted to measure us to see if we were the same height. I noticed as she was walking up to me that she was shorter and I began to sweat. Remember, they dont always choose someone based on talent. It's all about the whole package, the looks, everything.
Well we were shoulder to shoulder then back to back, and I overheard the director say, "You can't get much better than that." I was elated. He sent me back to the stands and told me to wait a while.
When I got back to the audience stands, the rest of the girls were still there. They asked me what happened and I told them that they measured the main character with me. We all started talking about our experience in basketball, then shared a few laughs and continued to watch as the main talent practiced for their next scene.
Once the scene was finished, they sent everyone to lunch. The basketball girls were instructed to stay. We had to practice using the fake basketball gym. It was great. They had us do layups and jump shots, free throws, then defensive slides. It was relatively easy, and I also saved a rogue ball from hitting camera equipment, which made the director look at me pretty favorably.
Once we were finished, they had everyone get their voucher to sign out. Before I could grab mine, the director clasped his hand rather roughly on neck, which made me jump and cringe with surprise. Those who saw him do it laughed at my expression, but they were all real friendly about it. I just wasn't expecting him to do that.
He shook my hand and told me congratulations, that I got the job. It was weird hearing it in front of the other girls, but most of them were very excited for me and I even got a few hugs and good lucks. So that was really nice of them. I wished them luck with everything too. The director asked me to stay for lunch and to get fitted by wardrobe before I leave for the day.
It was great! At lunch I sat next to two of the writers for the show and a few other people introduced themselves to me as well. They congratulated me and wished me luck for the show. I've never felt so elated in my life.
I know it is just photo doubling for the real talent, but I'm happy that I proved that I have the skills to do this- that I was chosen. The fact that I was picked out of God knows how many girls makes me feel incredible. It made me feel like I do have a reason to be here, and that my talent has only showcased the tip of the iceberg.
I called my mom after lunch to tell her the good news. It's pretty important for me to do so since I hardly ever call home unless I have good news, and lately, there wasn't too much that I had been proud of. This was a much needed confidence booster. And there's nothing like making your parents proud. I could tell that Mom was just as happy as me, especially since she loves basketball. It was good to hear her voice. She always knows how to cheer me up, and this time it was my voice that was cheering her up! I couldn't stop smiling the whole day.
I don't work for the show until Thursday, but man, I can't wait!
Life's been a little great, a little messy and a little complicated lately. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Friday was definitely the most exciting day of the week. I had an interview to be a photo double for someone on a Disney Channel show. Talk about exciting!
I saw the notice on lacasting.com and I fit the requirements they were looking for (between 5' to 5'4", 34 inch waist, size 6-7 shoes), and hallelujah did I hit the jackpot. Extras! Management called me in for the interview within 20 minutes and I was set for Friday.
When I got to set, I realized that I had never been to this place before - and that's saying quite a bit. But I guess it makes sense since I never play a kid, and these shows were all for 18TLY background members, or so it seemed.
Once I parked and walked inside the studio, I saw a bunch of people in the audience stands that were regular background artists. They were taping a segment of the same show I applied for. Since I was early, I didn't know where to go. Luckily a stand-in named Danny was kind enough to help. He led me to the stands and I was signing in within the next 15 minutes.
We were told to wear athletic gear to show off our basketball skills for the scene, and I saw that I was the only girl dressed for the part. As the time drew nearer, a bunch of other girls started walking in, sometimes one or two at a time. My stomach started getting butterflies, but I couldn't stop smiling. I was so excited to play basketball on set.
They even had a fake half court gym for the show, and I imagined playing on it while everyone I knew back home would be watching from the comfort of their living room. It made me excited, but seeing those other girls, each beautiful and fit, vying for the same spot made me queasy. I love competition, but I hate the nature of the industry. It isn't always about skills, and sometimes it only relies on looks. I was nervous, but we all sat together and introduced ourselves and became friends.
They were nice girls, and I was happy to have met them. It made me realize that we are all in the same boat, and that we each have something to offer the industry.
After taping a few segments in the show's living room, they moved to the gym shots. We were all aching to show our stuff, I could tell. When they called us down I jumped off my seat as fast as I could, grabbed my bottled water and headed down to meet the director - a very tall man with blonde hair who had a tendency to lean over you.
He had two (very flat) balls which he threw to the first two girls in line. They dribbled as best they could. Once I saw them at it, I became very confident with my abilities. The next two girls were given a shot, then the next. I noticed that the girls didn't have their opposite hand protecting the ball as though a defender were on them, and they never looked up from their dribble. Once the director passed the ball to me, I got into a low stance and began to dribble while protecting the ball. I stared directly into his eyes as I dribbled and I could see him light up. He was impressed. He pointed to me and said, "Yes. Like that."
The next two girls were given a chance, each taking a note from my book, but they couldn't do it with the conviction that I had. I was so relieved as the balls went down the line. They could handle the ball, but they couldn't do it with the confidence that I had. I was surprised at my own ability considering the fact that it's been 6 or 7 years since I've even played the sport.
The director threw the ball to the front of the line and had us each take a fake jump shot.
Once it was my turn, I was too overzealous-I almost took out a stage light. But the form was perfect. I quickly bounded after the ball to avoid any calamity. The director laughed to another man, "Look at her, getting her own rebounds! She's a one man team."
I smiled as I tossed the ball back to him. The girls had their turn, then they made us dribble around him. I was so fast that he was laughing asking, "Where'd she go?"
He never made any sort of comments to the other girls, so I was happy that he was voicing himself around me. He sent everyone back except me to the stands. I was so nervous and excited. I thought the interview was over.
That is until he asked for the star of the show, Dove to come up to me. They wanted to measure us to see if we were the same height. I noticed as she was walking up to me that she was shorter and I began to sweat. Remember, they dont always choose someone based on talent. It's all about the whole package, the looks, everything.
Well we were shoulder to shoulder then back to back, and I overheard the director say, "You can't get much better than that." I was elated. He sent me back to the stands and told me to wait a while.
When I got back to the audience stands, the rest of the girls were still there. They asked me what happened and I told them that they measured the main character with me. We all started talking about our experience in basketball, then shared a few laughs and continued to watch as the main talent practiced for their next scene.
Once the scene was finished, they sent everyone to lunch. The basketball girls were instructed to stay. We had to practice using the fake basketball gym. It was great. They had us do layups and jump shots, free throws, then defensive slides. It was relatively easy, and I also saved a rogue ball from hitting camera equipment, which made the director look at me pretty favorably.
Once we were finished, they had everyone get their voucher to sign out. Before I could grab mine, the director clasped his hand rather roughly on neck, which made me jump and cringe with surprise. Those who saw him do it laughed at my expression, but they were all real friendly about it. I just wasn't expecting him to do that.
He shook my hand and told me congratulations, that I got the job. It was weird hearing it in front of the other girls, but most of them were very excited for me and I even got a few hugs and good lucks. So that was really nice of them. I wished them luck with everything too. The director asked me to stay for lunch and to get fitted by wardrobe before I leave for the day.
It was great! At lunch I sat next to two of the writers for the show and a few other people introduced themselves to me as well. They congratulated me and wished me luck for the show. I've never felt so elated in my life.
I know it is just photo doubling for the real talent, but I'm happy that I proved that I have the skills to do this- that I was chosen. The fact that I was picked out of God knows how many girls makes me feel incredible. It made me feel like I do have a reason to be here, and that my talent has only showcased the tip of the iceberg.
I called my mom after lunch to tell her the good news. It's pretty important for me to do so since I hardly ever call home unless I have good news, and lately, there wasn't too much that I had been proud of. This was a much needed confidence booster. And there's nothing like making your parents proud. I could tell that Mom was just as happy as me, especially since she loves basketball. It was good to hear her voice. She always knows how to cheer me up, and this time it was my voice that was cheering her up! I couldn't stop smiling the whole day.
I don't work for the show until Thursday, but man, I can't wait!
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Representation
Well, I'm happy to report that I finally signed a contract for representation for commercial work. I'm so glad this happened because I feel like I can truly trust this agency. I'll do my best to give my all for them too. I can't wait to start cashing checks and being recognized by friends and family. There is nothing that will make me more proud than doing exactly what I love with my life. After I signed today I was able to hang out with my friend Murphy at the Glendale mall. He helped me take pictures of my hand for submitting to hand modeling jobs. I have been on my phone all day trying to procure a job but I can't seem to get any extra work. I'm nervous, especially since I have so many bills to pay. We will see how things go.
I'm a little tired anyways from dropping off Alex at the airport this morning. We had to get up early, but at least I got to say goodbye before he left for Atlanta. I hope he has a great time at Dragon-Con. Wish I could be there.
I'm a little tired anyways from dropping off Alex at the airport this morning. We had to get up early, but at least I got to say goodbye before he left for Atlanta. I hope he has a great time at Dragon-Con. Wish I could be there.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Adorkable
It's been a full week since my sister's wedding and I couldn't be happier to be back in the swing of things. I've been working a lot lately, and I'm praying that I will keep busy for years to come. Right now I'm just lying on my bed in Glendale, listening to some country music while studying up on some psychology.
Alex, an a-dork-able southern gentleman/veteran just left my house after a little romping today. It was much needed after being teased on my date last night. I feel really lucky to have a friend like Alex around since single life can be lonely. We've been seeing each other, as FWB, for the last few months, and it really takes the frustration away from my situation.
Nothing is worse than feeling completely alone in a big area like LA. We meant to study lines today, but fuck, that didn't get done at all. We were having too much fun just doing what we love to do - mess around.
Alex is an actor too, although very new to the game. He'll do fine since he is charmer. He hasn't anything to worry about.
I just have to be careful to keep myself from falling in love with him romantically. I already love and appreciate him as a friend, but romantically, yeah, that's never going to happen. I need to find someone like him though. Smart, funny, attractive, an aggressive dominant- someone who can purr and growl in my ear. Yeah, purring is the biggest turn on ever.
Seriously, men, if you know how to purr, try it out on a lady who is digging you. A little growl can go a long way.
Well, as much as I'd love to have the perfect man in my life, I am kinda having fun being single. I was able to get a free dinner and movie this weekend, which never happens, so at least I have that going for me.
By the way, Straight Outta Compton was a freaking great movie. Totally worth a watch, even if you don't like that type of music, you'll love how well it was shot and produced. Very tasteful and insightful. Apparently Ice Cube's son played him in the movie too, which is pretty fucking cool. He looked exactly like him.
Life is good. Tomorrow I work on Grandfathered as a pastry chef again, and then we will see what happens with that agency this week. Cross your fingers that something awesome will happen.
Alex, an a-dork-able southern gentleman/veteran just left my house after a little romping today. It was much needed after being teased on my date last night. I feel really lucky to have a friend like Alex around since single life can be lonely. We've been seeing each other, as FWB, for the last few months, and it really takes the frustration away from my situation.
Nothing is worse than feeling completely alone in a big area like LA. We meant to study lines today, but fuck, that didn't get done at all. We were having too much fun just doing what we love to do - mess around.
Alex is an actor too, although very new to the game. He'll do fine since he is charmer. He hasn't anything to worry about.
I just have to be careful to keep myself from falling in love with him romantically. I already love and appreciate him as a friend, but romantically, yeah, that's never going to happen. I need to find someone like him though. Smart, funny, attractive, an aggressive dominant- someone who can purr and growl in my ear. Yeah, purring is the biggest turn on ever.
Seriously, men, if you know how to purr, try it out on a lady who is digging you. A little growl can go a long way.
Well, as much as I'd love to have the perfect man in my life, I am kinda having fun being single. I was able to get a free dinner and movie this weekend, which never happens, so at least I have that going for me.
By the way, Straight Outta Compton was a freaking great movie. Totally worth a watch, even if you don't like that type of music, you'll love how well it was shot and produced. Very tasteful and insightful. Apparently Ice Cube's son played him in the movie too, which is pretty fucking cool. He looked exactly like him.
Life is good. Tomorrow I work on Grandfathered as a pastry chef again, and then we will see what happens with that agency this week. Cross your fingers that something awesome will happen.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Average, everday re-registration
Today I went to Central Casting in order to update my photographs and change my new address. It was weird waiting in line because I always seem to draw the crazies.
One former homeless man who became a background artist was there to re-register and he saw me in line. We've worked with one another before, and every time I see him I get this weird drop in my stomach. He always runs over to me and throws his arms around me, and I have to stop breathing for a second so I can get through the hug.
So there we are, stuck in line. One almost directly behind the other. It's impossible to escape him, and this wolf wasn't willing to chew off her leg to get out of this trap. I'd been waiting there for so long, and I wasn't going to get out of line for this fucker. So I decided to make the best out of the situation.
Now I have to admit, I'm not the nicest person you're ever going to run into, but I really do try to be a decent human being. Me being me, I tried to be as polite as possible, even though I really didn't want to talk to him, and struck up a conversation. We had to wait outside Central for God knows how long (all in all, I think 1 hr and 30 mins), so what was there really to do other than humor each other?
Call me an asshole, call me what you will, but I hate talking to this guy. It isn't because he is homeless, and it isn't because he is weird - although, who could deny it?
But this guy is pretty invasive, and I always hate talking to him because he asks weird questions about my life and then he makes it sound like all the choices I've made in my life were wrong.
Excuse me, but who is the homeless/former homeless person here?
Anyways, he is telling me how I should lead people on to get what I want, and I'm politely disagreeing with him. He wont let the subject go, even though I'm definitely willing to.
He starts yelling the whole damn time, his voice escalating to the point where one girl picked up her bags and walked away. He doesn't even notice. His voice is booming- the fucker sounds like a blown sound system. No one cares to listen, but he just keeps rambling on. I've stopped talking for quite some time at this point, and am slowly trying to face the door to Central to shut him off.
Finally, an older white guy who just can't take it anymore says a quiet, "Shut up."
Shit. Hit. The. Fan.
The homeless guy just starts screaming at the old white guy, then he throws out the word nigger and everyone's getting testy. He starts screaming how shit's about to go down, threatening to hit the older guy. The poor innocent people in line are all exchanging glances and shifting around. No one knows what is going to happen. Including myself. And I feel like an asshole for being the one to start it all.
Now usually Central has a large black guy that does security right outside the door, but today, he wasn't here. Out of all the days to not be here and a fucking fight is about to go down!
A few people in line are quick to chirp up now, and they tell them to let it go and stop talking to one another. Things are finally silent and we are left to sit there in silence for another 40 minutes before the doors to Central open. It was awkward as fuck.
When we get inside, I handle my re-registration, change my address, run into an old college friend - which was the highlight of my day - and moseyed my ass over to In 'n Out. It wasn't delicious at all, but it held me over until I could re take my pictures at Extras! Management. I'm hoping all the trouble was worth it to get me more work.
Now I'm just reviewing lines on my bed for my reel. Life is fucking weird.
One former homeless man who became a background artist was there to re-register and he saw me in line. We've worked with one another before, and every time I see him I get this weird drop in my stomach. He always runs over to me and throws his arms around me, and I have to stop breathing for a second so I can get through the hug.
So there we are, stuck in line. One almost directly behind the other. It's impossible to escape him, and this wolf wasn't willing to chew off her leg to get out of this trap. I'd been waiting there for so long, and I wasn't going to get out of line for this fucker. So I decided to make the best out of the situation.
Now I have to admit, I'm not the nicest person you're ever going to run into, but I really do try to be a decent human being. Me being me, I tried to be as polite as possible, even though I really didn't want to talk to him, and struck up a conversation. We had to wait outside Central for God knows how long (all in all, I think 1 hr and 30 mins), so what was there really to do other than humor each other?
Call me an asshole, call me what you will, but I hate talking to this guy. It isn't because he is homeless, and it isn't because he is weird - although, who could deny it?
But this guy is pretty invasive, and I always hate talking to him because he asks weird questions about my life and then he makes it sound like all the choices I've made in my life were wrong.
Excuse me, but who is the homeless/former homeless person here?
Anyways, he is telling me how I should lead people on to get what I want, and I'm politely disagreeing with him. He wont let the subject go, even though I'm definitely willing to.
He starts yelling the whole damn time, his voice escalating to the point where one girl picked up her bags and walked away. He doesn't even notice. His voice is booming- the fucker sounds like a blown sound system. No one cares to listen, but he just keeps rambling on. I've stopped talking for quite some time at this point, and am slowly trying to face the door to Central to shut him off.
Finally, an older white guy who just can't take it anymore says a quiet, "Shut up."
Shit. Hit. The. Fan.
The homeless guy just starts screaming at the old white guy, then he throws out the word nigger and everyone's getting testy. He starts screaming how shit's about to go down, threatening to hit the older guy. The poor innocent people in line are all exchanging glances and shifting around. No one knows what is going to happen. Including myself. And I feel like an asshole for being the one to start it all.
Now usually Central has a large black guy that does security right outside the door, but today, he wasn't here. Out of all the days to not be here and a fucking fight is about to go down!
A few people in line are quick to chirp up now, and they tell them to let it go and stop talking to one another. Things are finally silent and we are left to sit there in silence for another 40 minutes before the doors to Central open. It was awkward as fuck.
When we get inside, I handle my re-registration, change my address, run into an old college friend - which was the highlight of my day - and moseyed my ass over to In 'n Out. It wasn't delicious at all, but it held me over until I could re take my pictures at Extras! Management. I'm hoping all the trouble was worth it to get me more work.
Now I'm just reviewing lines on my bed for my reel. Life is fucking weird.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Life as an actress
Well, here I am. 25, single, living on my own, and chasing a dream. It's all very new, and definitely exciting as hell, but it can be very frustrating and scary too. I guess most people think that way about life. It'd be a lie to say that we are not afraid that our hopes and dreams will not work out. But it'd be even scarier to think that we didn't even try, right? I want to say something profound and thought provoking, but I'm just not clever enough to come up with it. I can only give my own life examples and hope that someone takes the time to read my bullshit.
So, here goes...
I've literally sat all day in front of my computer, looking up all types of roles to portray, and nothing seems to fit the bill - unless I were to show full nudity. And this bothers me. It literally bothers me to no end because I am so hungry for this.
Acting is the only thing that I've ever had a passion for. I enjoy it because I want people to feel as I feel when I watch movies. I get so caught up in the world, in the character's life that I lose all sense of myself. My heart pumps loudly; I take deep breaths; I even have this little tick where I place my right hand directly under my throat and on my chest, as though it will protect me from being so vulnerable to the character's emotions. I feel enthused, overwhelmed, inescapably desperate, adventurous and romantic, all within a two hour slot. And I love it because I love to feel alive. Movies, shows, they allow me to feel alive. When I perform, I forget who I am and it's acceptable to become someone else, no matter how kooky or strange that person may be. Everything interesting (or uninteresting in the world) comes to life and I feel... That's just it... I FEEL.
And I want to inspire others to do the same.
Usually, alone in my room, I'm just so numb. Perhaps it's because I feel so alone. I feel like my life, my breath is wasted. I'm uninteresting; I'm background.
But when I act, I have a part in someone's life, no matter how small. I'm there, I have a say, I have a presence. I'm dignified in a way where I'm seen not as a customer or an extra, but as a sole person with independent thoughts and actions. And, even better, I have the power to emotionally affect people.
When I first was granted that power on stage, it was otherworldly. It felt like I was living with purpose. When I was crying, they were crying, when I was smiling, they were smiling. It was beautiful.
The feeling of making people laugh in general felt amazing. The energy just lifts in the room and everyone is smiling. And there is nothing I love more than seeing people smile.
I've noticed that when I'm watching a movie or show I tend to look at whoever is with me, as though I'm gauging their reaction. I'm trying to determine what their thinking, how they are perceiving the show or plot twist. I'm genuinely interested in what is running through their mind.
It'd be shallow to say that I didn't enjoy the attention, but this type of art calls for an audience, just like a painting, dance routine or work of scripture.
One thing is for certain though, I can't wait to show the world what I have to offer. I just hope they like it.
So, here goes...
I've literally sat all day in front of my computer, looking up all types of roles to portray, and nothing seems to fit the bill - unless I were to show full nudity. And this bothers me. It literally bothers me to no end because I am so hungry for this.
Acting is the only thing that I've ever had a passion for. I enjoy it because I want people to feel as I feel when I watch movies. I get so caught up in the world, in the character's life that I lose all sense of myself. My heart pumps loudly; I take deep breaths; I even have this little tick where I place my right hand directly under my throat and on my chest, as though it will protect me from being so vulnerable to the character's emotions. I feel enthused, overwhelmed, inescapably desperate, adventurous and romantic, all within a two hour slot. And I love it because I love to feel alive. Movies, shows, they allow me to feel alive. When I perform, I forget who I am and it's acceptable to become someone else, no matter how kooky or strange that person may be. Everything interesting (or uninteresting in the world) comes to life and I feel... That's just it... I FEEL.
And I want to inspire others to do the same.
Usually, alone in my room, I'm just so numb. Perhaps it's because I feel so alone. I feel like my life, my breath is wasted. I'm uninteresting; I'm background.
But when I act, I have a part in someone's life, no matter how small. I'm there, I have a say, I have a presence. I'm dignified in a way where I'm seen not as a customer or an extra, but as a sole person with independent thoughts and actions. And, even better, I have the power to emotionally affect people.
When I first was granted that power on stage, it was otherworldly. It felt like I was living with purpose. When I was crying, they were crying, when I was smiling, they were smiling. It was beautiful.
The feeling of making people laugh in general felt amazing. The energy just lifts in the room and everyone is smiling. And there is nothing I love more than seeing people smile.
I've noticed that when I'm watching a movie or show I tend to look at whoever is with me, as though I'm gauging their reaction. I'm trying to determine what their thinking, how they are perceiving the show or plot twist. I'm genuinely interested in what is running through their mind.
It'd be shallow to say that I didn't enjoy the attention, but this type of art calls for an audience, just like a painting, dance routine or work of scripture.
One thing is for certain though, I can't wait to show the world what I have to offer. I just hope they like it.
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